By City- Paper – Satire & Opinion Desk
MORDOR — In what experts are calling “the most aggressive hiring spree since the forging of the One Ring,” Dark Lord Sauron appears to have cornered the labor market across Middle-earth. From goblins in the Misty Mountains to Uruk-hai storming Helm’s Deep, nearly every questionable creature seems to have clocked in for Team Evil at some point.
But why?
Competitive Benefits Package
Insiders report that Sauron’s compensation package was surprisingly strong. While wages were rumored to be “soul-based,” employees enjoyed:
- Free armor (one size fits all… aggressively)
- On-the-job intimidation training
- Unlimited overtime (mandatory)
- A clear growth path: survive long enough, get promoted to “scarier-looking lieutenant”
Compare that to the Fellowship’s offer: long walks, lembas bread, and zero pay. It’s no wonder recruitment skewed dark.
The Uruk-hai: Built for the Job
Sources close to Saruman confirm that the Uruk-hai were essentially custom hires—engineered for peak productivity and minimal HR complaints. They didn’t need sleep, had excellent teamwork (chanting counts), and came pre-installed with “loyalty mode.”
“Honestly, they were overqualified,” said one Rohan recruiter who declined to be named. “But they kept trying to burn our villages during interviews.”
Goblins & Orcs: The Gig Economy of Evil
The Goblins and Orcs reportedly functioned as Middle-earth’s version of contract workers. Flexible hours, flexible morals.
“Look, it’s steady work,” said one orc outside Cirith Ungol. “Plus, no one asks about your references.”
Smaug: Independent Contractor (Very Independent)
Notably absent from Sauron’s official org chart was Smaug, the dragon of Erebor. Industry analysts classify Smaug as a “high-value freelance asset.”
“He wasn’t on payroll,” explained a Gondor economist. “He was the payroll. His entire compensation structure was: sit on gold and dare someone to question it.”
Gollum: The Worst Intern Ever
Meanwhile, Gollum operated in a gray area between contractor, consultant, and “liability.” His only deliverable: “keep the Ring close,” which he both succeeded and failed at repeatedly.
“He had passion,” said one observer. “Unfortunately, it was for the wrong deliverable.”
The Real Reason: Market Monopolization
Experts conclude that Sauron didn’t just recruit—he monopolized. By controlling fear, territory, and messaging (“All shall love me and despair”), he effectively eliminated competing employers.
“Rivendell wasn’t exactly running job fairs,” noted a Shire-based analyst. “And Gondor’s onboarding process? Siege conditions.”
Final Thoughts
In the end, it wasn’t that everyone wanted to work for Sauron—it’s that he made himself the only employer hiring at scale.
As one disgruntled orc put it:
“You try finding a job with flexible hours and minimal sunlight exposure.”
Middle-earth’s labor lesson? If one dark lord controls the market, maybe it’s time to unionize… or at least throw a ring into a volcano.
