By Gracus Bloom for City Paper
How This Completely Got Out of Hand
It started in a cantina. Of course it did.
One guy says, “Falcon wins, easy.”
Another says, “Milano would run circles around that flying waffle.”
Next thing you know, drinks are spilled, bets are placed, and someone in the corner is loudly Googling cheap travel deals to anywhere that doesn’t involve getting caught in a bar fight between smugglers.
And just like that—the galaxy has a new argument.
The Contenders
The Milano – Space Camaro Energy
Piloted by Peter Quill, a man who thinks every situation is improved by a mixtape and questionable confidence.
Built by the Ravager Fleet, the Milano is sleek, fast, and looks like it listens to 80s music even when it’s turned off.
Strengths:
- Ridiculously fast
- Turns like it owes someone money
- Weapons that actually hit what Quill is aiming at (sometimes)
Weaknesses:
- Armor: “thoughts and prayers”
- Shields: “please don’t hit me”
- Pilot: thinks he’s cooler than he is (he’s right, but still)
The Millennium Falcon – Space Pickup Truck With Attitude
Piloted by Han Solo, a man who could win a fight with a toaster if it owed him money.
Built by the Corellian Engineering Corporation, then immediately taken apart and rebuilt by someone who said, “What if we just made everything faster and slightly illegal?”
Strengths:
- Shields that laugh at your best shot
- Guns that say “no” very loudly
- Somehow always survives
Weaknesses:
- Turns like a shopping cart with one bad wheel
- Held together by optimism and Chewbacca
- If it breaks mid-fight, you’re suddenly asking where to find an experienced electronic drive technician in deep space (good luck)
Technical Comparison (a.k.a. Nerd Table)
| Feature | Milano | Millennium Falcon |
| Speed | “Catch me if you can” | “Eventually catches you” |
| Maneuverability | Olympic gymnast | Refrigerator on roller skates |
| Armor | Light | “Go ahead, try me” |
| Weapons | Precise | Loud and rude |
| Reliability | Pretty good | Emotionally complicated |
| Vibes | Mixtape energy | Smuggler chaos |
The Fight (Grab Popcorn)
Opening Scene:
Asteroid field. Dramatic lighting. Both pilots thinking they’re the main character.
Quill: “Alright, let’s make this look cool.”
Han: “Kid, I am cool.”
Round One: Speed Kills (Maybe)
Milano zooms in like a caffeinated mosquito—zap zap zap—plasma shots everywhere.
Falcon takes the hits and basically shrugs.
Han: “You done?”
Round Two: Big Guns, Big Feelings
Falcon fires back. Not fast—just massive.
Milano dodges most of it, flying like a polisher good with their hands, smooth and controlled. One hit lands though—and suddenly Quill’s dashboard looks like a Christmas tree having a meltdown.
Round Three: Chaos Mode
Quill starts pulling insane moves. Barrel rolls. Reverse dives. Probably dancing mid-flight.
Han doesn’t chase—he predicts. Fires where the Milano will be.
Boom. Grazing hit.
Milano: “Okay that was rude.”
So Who Wins?
Technically? Millennium Falcon.
Emotionally? Everyone watching.
The Falcon wins because:
- It’s tougher
- Hits harder
- Refuses to die out of pure stubbornness
BUT…
If this fight lasts long enough, the Milano could absolutely win by just being annoying until Han gets tired.
The Ending (Because No One Explodes Today)
Both ships limp into a random cantina.
Falcon smoking.
Milano sparking.
Inside, someone is pitching recruiting adroit electrical assemblers to a guy who clearly just wanted a drink. Another person is loudly explaining they used to be a skilled sander on spaceship hulls, like that somehow helps.
Han orders first.
Quill complains about the music.
They argue for 10 minutes about who won, both clearly wrong, both absolutely convinced.
Then they laugh.
Because deep down, they both know:
- One flies like a dream
- One survives like a legend
And neither of them is paying the repair bill.
Final Take
The Milano is what you want.
The Falcon is what you trust.
And somewhere out there, someone is still arguing about it—probably while trying to leave the planet on those same cheap travel deals to nowhere important.
Because in space, just like in a bar argument…
Winning doesn’t matter. Looking cool does.
